Why I'm Going and What I'm Going to Miss

So I'm heading out to China this weekend... For better or worse, I suppose this is actually happening.

I'm a tiny bit excited, but that emotion is being smothered by feeling scared, anxious, guilty, and inadequate.

But that's life.

Part of the reason I decided to go through with this trip was because I realized I was waiting. I don't know what I was waiting for. To feel more adult? For my life to fall into place? For a sign from the universe?
This is something I do a lot. Life is overwhelming. I feel like if I wait it out and take time to prepare, things will get better. I'm not always wrong. There are a lot of situations where waiting can be a huge benefit. But waiting can also trap you, and if you're a perfectionist and a bit of a control-freak like me... waiting around, sitting still, not going one direction or the other, is suuuuper appealing. It means I don't give myself the opportunity to mess up. There's no set up for failure if you aren't setting anything up.

Some of you know, I took up roller-skating last year. I love skating. It makes me feel fast and free and untethered. The most amazing thing about roller-skating is the life lessons it teaches. One of the best lessons I've learned on wheels is the importance of failure.
If I didn't crash so hard on that first hill and destroy the back of my thigh, I'm not sure I would have learned and practiced better ways of stopping and slowing down as much as I did. That one (painful) failure gave me so much motivation. I had a list of things I wanted to practice afterwards. Everything in roller-skating takes more than one time to get right and it's important to fail the first couple of times. Then you know what you're doing wrong and how to fix it.
So here's to failure. Here's to messing up. Here's to feeling stupid. You have to mess up real bad sometimes to get to a point where you feel really good.
I guess that's why I'm going. There are a lot of other reasons, obviously, but this one I feel pretty strongly about.


In this post I also wanted to talk about what I know I'm going to miss. There are probably tons of little things I take for granted in my life right now that I'll be surprised or thrown off by in China. And I can't wait to list those later... For now, here are the huge things I'm already crying over.

1. Family

I'm fortunate to be very close with my family. And not just my immediate siblings and parents, but I also live near both my grandmas, lots of aunts and uncles, and cousins. I'm so sad to leave them. I kind of wish I could take them along (at least for the good stuff).
My sister EMMA! What am I going to do without her? My sisters and I are basically 3 parts of a whole. No offense to anyone else, but they're definitely who I'm going to miss the most.

2. Dance

Dance is my life. It gives me purpose, joy, a second family, and just makes me feel so dang good. I had to say goodbye to my classmates, teachers, students, and best friends this week. I know I'll probably jump right back in the studio when I return, but for now my heart is a little broken.

3. Utah

My home. As excited as I am to see new places, Utah will always be my first home. I'm going to miss my lakeside runs, my mountainous drives, and especially that good, hot, dry, desert air. (I have a suspicion living in humidity and wet is going to cripple me.)

I'm also going to be missing Mexican food. Access to the hot springs in Saratoga, clean, mountain air, American plumbing... but I don't want this to get too long.
So Zaijian for now!